Polygyny is a heated debate. Everyone has an opinion about the matter, regardless of how much one has actually studied about it. I must admit that until Biblical Marriage was revealed to me as a righteous family structure, polygyny sounded unfair and misogynist.
The female mindset - whether we like to admit it or not - is that if something is good for the man, it must be given equally to the woman, otherwise it will be bad for her. Share a man? No way! Feminism does not help either. The lucky ones who find a good man in their early years will marry and proudly state ‚MY husband‘.
It was a long way until I realized that the mandatory monogamy in the Western world is not beneficial for women for the following reasons:
If a woman wants to have many children - even if she stays home - it‘s a lot of work (some will say even one child only). An additional woman in the house shares the housework and child care load.
If a woman wants to work and study and have other priorities in her younger years, she will have difficulty getting married later, because unlike men, older women lose value. This is especially the case in monogamous cultures, because if a man can marry only one, he will be more inclined to choose a younger bride who will give more productive years (also less luggage, right?). Polygyny would give older women a chance to get a good husband even after they ‚hit the wall‘.
If all women chase the 10% most attractive single males (financially stable, handsome, not crazy, clean, etc.) they will compete with each other to get his attention. If a single man has a big supply of women to choose from and must pick only one, women will most likely fall for the trap of getting his attention solely with their sex appeal, which creates the perfect environment for whoremongers and disposable hoes. If a ‚high value‘ male can support and marry more women, the fierce competition is no longer necessary.
There are simply more women in the world than men - FAR more women. Besides, the fewer males available are also encouraged to ‚experiment homosexuality‘, have their masculinity attacked as ‚toxic‘ and are bombarded with feminazi propaganda from an early age. While many women might say that they want a man who treats them with equality, they secretly feel attracted to men who will take charge, so we are talking about even fewer men.
The west is holding a time bomb and the next generations will only be hit harder, so it is time to face reality. After a certain age (which is not as old as some may think), if a woman wants companionship, she will most probably have to resort to the sad world of dating apps, where divorced men fighting their ex-wives in court, whoremongers and all sorts of traumatized people await those willing to have their next heartbreak. Thanks, but no thanks.
The user manual given by our Maker for relationships
In my younger years, I was not thinking about relationships in general. I did not have a good marriage role model at home and I never understood people who would go through years of dating without getting married. For me if you love someone enough to be in a relationship, why wait? What is it that people are so afraid that they need years of testing?
My struggle was that, without the proper Biblical foundation, relationship was meaningless. Why settle with a man if I am not sure he will be there for the long run? Promiscuity is clearly wrong, but why is my purity and exclusivity towards my man important? What is marriage anyway?
Once I understood that our bridegroom is the Messiah, the Bible revealed itself as a book about a covenant, both on earth and in Heaven. It was a mind-blowing revelation to me at that point in time and I needed to know more!
Just as our Messiah is coming back as the bridegroom of all his sheep (more than one), a man, who‘s made in God‘s image, should be able to - if he so wishes - to take responsibility for more than one woman. Even if initially this concept sounded troubling, once the crystallized monogamy only idol was brought down, polygyny came to the picture as a Godly and fair option - especially for older women to find a righteous man/family. But even after accepting polygyny as righteous and just plain smart, I was not considering it as an option for me. My wish was to know about it and instigate other women to consider it as an option. But Yahuah had other plans and joined me to a plural family.
The story
I was sure that for a woman like me, to be a second wife was the best option because to be integrated into a household that already worked and to be part of a family just felt right. At the time, my potential hubby involved his wife and we wanted to get to know each other and ‚explore Yah‘s will‘. His wife immediately welcomed me in the process, she was excited to know me and made sure I was aware of everything about her husband and how being married to him was. We decided to meet in person in Israel and in the months before our trip, we exchanged recipes, exercise routines, by the time we met, I felt like we knew each other for years! On the night her husband decided to make things ‚official‘, she was thrilled with her new friend, she looked me in the eyes and said, ‚I bless this union, welcome to my husband‘s family‘. We hugged each other in tears of joy.
Well, that‘s a cool story, but it‘s not true. This is not to say the real story is not good - just more... colourful.
We did have a joint chat to get to know each other and we also went to Israel together, but the process was a bit more complex than I expected. Both my now husband and his first wife were advocates of polygyny and biblical headship, so my expectation was that we would be able to focus more on the how, not the what, but some things are easier said than done, right? Even if things are clear in theory, there is no doubt that the process brings disruption and insecurity. I also struggled myself. I did not want to be a reason for grief. I was not willing to be a displeasing presence and I wanted out - several times. I thought about pulling the plug, especially considering the geographical distance. But in all challenges, our man remained unmovable. Though I was never fully confident things would actually get real, his persistence encouraged me to stick around and - I must admit - there was also an almost morbid curiosity to watch how he handled both of us.
Everyday I expected our man to give up. There were plenty of reasons, the distance, the difficulties in his wife‘s heart, maybe some of my more controversial opinions? I was ready to be let go. The ‚problem‘ was that I was not. I did not know how to react to the opposite of rejection. Strangely enough, unlike my usual self, I kept engaged, following all his instructions and with what I can only call supernatural patience. It was a mix of ‚let‘s see how far this goes‘ with ‚if this fails, no one can blame it on me‘ and ‚if this is from the Most High I just can‘t refuse his gift‘. As you can see, my mind was busy and by the time I realized that the whole thing was serious, I was far too involved in my own heart.
The paradox of it all was that the first wife‘s resistance - rather than discourage the relationship - made it stronger faster. The more she refused to engage, the more the man had to get closer to me to encourage me to go on - and quite honestly, more attractive he was to me. After all, how could a woman married for +30 years be so jealous? No one puts an alarm in a worthless car, right?
It will never be a walk in the park for first wives and that‘s ok
During the courtship process, things were not easy between me and the first wife and though at times it was frustrating, I had to remain in compassion. I could never understand what she was going through and in her place I would probably suffer just as much, if not more. Still, she remained there and followed her husband‘s instructions and found strength to move on again and again. She is such an inspiration of respect and loyalty to her adon, a lovely example!
The road to polygyny can be hurtful and until a suitable match comes along, the wrong ones will be tough. We are immersed in a culture that instigates competition between women and a ‚winner takes it all‘ mantra. Some women may (consciously or not), use polygyny as a way to openly get between a successful marriage and if the man is not objective enough to see through the veiled intentions, the outcome can be disastrous. If you are considering becoming a a second wife, my advice is to only embark on a courtship if you are genuinely interested in being part of a whole family. Polygyny is not a Disney romance story!
The role of the man is crucial
Polygyny is not for all men, either. It requires not only a lot of understanding and love, but also a strong sense of headship. How my husband kept both ladies assured in his love and his resolve was essential. I could not have gone forward if the man showed any weakness. I was also paying close attention to how he managed to keep the first wife confident. Even if she had her internal struggles beyond his direct control, his attitude towards her was to make sure that she was loved and that he would never forsake her. How he treated his wife (and his beautiful eyes ;)) was the highlight of his character that attracted me in the first place. If he showed preference for me or neglected her, what pattern would that show me for our future? This is where a strong Biblical foundation cannot be taken lightly. Marriage is an eternal spiritual covenant, it is spiritual covering for the woman/women and family unity to fulfil our adon‘s mission in Mashiach. While we should enjoy the blessings of our covenant, in the end it‘s not about us, it‘s about our Messiah‘s Kingdom.
Conclusions:
It‘s HARD for everyone involved. Only strong marriages will survive this process.
A second wife will be grafted into an existing setup, jealousy or competition towards the first wife is very foolish. It‘s not because the husband treats both women with equality that the second woman should not acknowledge who was there first.
How the husband treats his first wife is a reflection of his character and how he will respect the following covenants.
The first wife‘s loyalty to her husband is the reflection of his leadership.
Scriptural foundation is key.
